The Good Father: On Men, Masculinity, and Life in the Family, by Mark O'Connell
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The Good Father: On Men, Masculinity, and Life in the Family, by Mark O'Connell
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Fathering is one of the most basic and profound human activities. Yet in addition to its many joys, fatherhood is often freighted with longing, sadness, anger, and misunderstanding. Most of us, men and women alike, are acutely aware of how difficult it is to father well, year after year, until, and even after, children are grown.At the same time, the essential relationships between men and women and their children are under stress these days as never before, subject to the pressures of work, money, divorce, remarriage, and adoption. As a result, many fathers struggle with deep uncertainties about their parenting abilities. Meanwhile, society's definitions of masculinity appear ever more fluid, negotiable, and unreachable in today's media-saturated culture, which endlessly exposes men (and women) to a stream of images celebrating violence, war, hypermasculinity, athletic ability, corporate competition, alternative life-styles, "metrosexuality," and triumphant materialism.Who, men might rightfully ask, are we expected to be? Do various pop-cultural definitions of masculinity really reflect what it is to be a man? What in men's true natures helps them be good fathers? Can aggression be useful? What masculine traits do fathers need to guard -- and guard against? How do men love their children, and how is being a father very different from and no less essential than being a mother? And how can women understand how men experience fatherhood?This is the rich social reality that Dr. Mark O'Connell, a psychotherapist and father of three, addresses in his provocative, brilliant, and wise book. Drawing on both his professional case histories and personal experience, O'Connell describes the internal conflicts that many men feel about the difficulties of being a father but which they are often unable to discuss easily. Such issues include questions about authority, discipline, intimacy, physical contact, and sexuality.In ways that are distinctly masculine, O'Connell says, fathers communicate standards, insist on respect for others, instigate necessary confrontations, and even engage in the kind of rough-and-tumble play that enlivens the developing neural structures in a child's brain. O'Connell contends that fathers play a crucial role in conveying the rules, expectations, and inevitabilities of life, and he describes how men can help their families by understanding and embracing their own masculinity. Men are different from women and must be allowed to parent differently as well.The Good Father, however, is not just a very readable book for fathers struggling to find their best selves in relation to their spouses and children. Women will want to read The Good Father as well. All men and women have complex and important relationships with their fathers, whether or not those men were good fathers. Dr. O'Connell reveals how men and women alike bring these relationships to their parenting, and how we so often need to untangle these generational knots.Filled with reassuring common sense, The Good Father opens a path toward happier, more satisfying relationships for the entire family while helping men become the good fathers they deeply want to be.
The Good Father: On Men, Masculinity, and Life in the Family, by Mark O'Connell- Amazon Sales Rank: #2639455 in eBooks
- Published on: 2015-03-31
- Released on: 2015-03-31
- Format: Kindle eBook
From Publishers Weekly Starred Review. Psychologist O'Connell knows firsthand how it feels to need a father (having lost his own at an early age) and to be a father (having three children himself). As a practicing therapist, he's treated many fathers (and sons) over the years. His experience makes this parenting book—with its chapters on challenges like the "masculinity debate," sexuality, and violence and authority—an essential guide. From the opening pages, O'Connell acknowledges that being a father is immensely complex, so "this book, therefore, aims less to 'advise' than to begin a conversation." From there, he employs an easygoing tone, devoid of psychobabble or touchy-feelyism, to sort through the currents of thinking about maleness and fatherhood, pointing out where they run shallow, where deep, and where ideas have foundered. The main strength of O'Connell's method lies in its use of material from the author's own history as well as from his psychotherapy practice. Whatever the subject at hand—play, authority, mortality, sex—he addresses it specifically and anecdotally. The chapter on discipline, for example, opens with a memory from the author's childhood, weaves in a strand of information from his life as a father, adds material from one of his client's experiences, then expands into a general discussion of the issue. This approach allows readers to digest the complexities bit by bit and even begin the sort of dialogue the author desires. All fathers, and those who have fathers, stand to benefit from this useful book. Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
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Most helpful customer reviews
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful. A gem By Claypoint2 The Good Father, unlike most parenting books, doesn't insult the reader's intelligence by oversimplifying or reducing complex questions into sound bites. The writer's thought-provoking positions on crucial topics such as authority, discipline, and sexuality are grounded in research and prior literature, and they come alive through the telling of his clients' stories and his own life experiences. Dr. O'Connell's writing is beautiful -- almost lyrical at times. This book is a "must" for anyone who wants to be a thoughtful parent.
8 of 10 people found the following review helpful. A Voice We Need to Hear By Observer It's been downright confusing, being a father, these past few decades. Most of us were sons of largely "absent" fathers without suitable role models. Sure, we had lots of advice...on one side from the Rosemond radical conservatives and on the far distant other the many and persuasive voices of the "SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy)" movement. Not that their advice had no merit; but many of us just weren't comfortable with the notion that men were, well, imperfect women. Finally and refreshingly out of the wilderness comes the voice of Dr. Mark O'Connell with what resonates as real help and insight for us men trying to use our male differences and find our footing as effective Dads. He brings many relevant and poignant examples from his psychotherapy practice to illustrate his points. His (anonymous) clients are almost like fictional characters and together present a sort of universal parent with all their human flaws, challenges and, sometimes, triumphs. It's impossible not to see parts of oneself in these folks. He weaves their stories with his own parental adventures and misadventures in an engaging almost seductive writing style that makes an incredibly instructive book a totally enjoyable reading experience. If you're looking for a simple list of "to do's" for Dads, don't buy this book. If you're looking for a real, honest presentation of meaty topics...authority, discipline, aggression, violence, sexuality, safety, control...the real issues men and parents must deal with to be effective, then you've come to the right place.
8 of 10 people found the following review helpful. Useful and profound By Amazon Customer The Good Father is a life-changing book. Using real lives and real stories (including his own), O'Connell shows men (and women) coming to terms with their pasts as they embark on the project of becoming good parents. The book avoids prefab advice; instead we get detailed examples and straight talk on hard matters. The writer tackles all the big topics, from discipline (spank? don't spank?) to the challenges that time, and teenagers, represent. Especially useful is the frank discussion of aggression and eroticism in family life; O'Connell makes the point that physical contact is necessary and important, in the right ways, at the right times, between fathers and their children. The stories are compelling, beautifully written, and informed by a deep respect for the complex realities of people's lives. You can learn more about being a good father from this book than any laundry list of do's and don'ts will ever teach you.
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